For those of you who just read for the title, you will be seeing this exclamation throughout the post. It is all because of my friend Jude and her insane ability to get words and expressions burned into my mind so that I can only think of them when I am upset, surprised, really, any strong emotion.
There is something I do called mirror therapy. It is when you look in the mirror at yourself and really face yourself. This morning however, I felt my mind and spirit snap. All I could think of while facing myself was a slow and drawn out, muttered and dripping in disappointment “Mooootthheerrr Fuuu****kkeeerrr” (I sigh even now typing it.
There has been a dry spell with all my posts as these past few months have been especially hard on me. After leaving one job there was a harsh incident which left me open and beyond vulnerable, leaking all my insecurities and fears from a deep dark centre core attained by the ghastly wounds I had incurred. I spent this time litterally afraid of leaving the house, afraid of interaction, forcing myself to go to the gym, obsessing over a plethora of things and not sticking to one. I have sadly put on some extra 20 pounds and of course now feel gross and slow, whereas I felt hot and nimble not a year ago.
For all those wondering what could have happened, I’m still dealing with it and not really ready to talk about it and I feel like if I can at least admit that, I’m finally being honest with myself about things. It’s been hard because this is something I had repressed a long time ago that came to surface when I really was at my wits’ end. I went to therapy for some time and although I didn’t have many sessions I feel somewhere that it has helped me move forward. I haven’t been able to continue due to the need to find work but I know which path I need to follow to move forward now.
I want to take this opportunity to apologize to my friends and thank them for understanding at the same time. You were part of the reason I was able to make it through and I appreciate more than words can say all the kindness you have shown me. For those friends I have lost along the way I also want to apologize and tell you that I understand why you may have stopped hanging out with me or talking with me with all the drama that has been surrounding me for so long.
Today was the day my mind broke; I was smiling while on the bus, while walking to work and while thinking about the future. I know that eventually, I will be ok. I want to also thank my counsellor because she really did help me and she was so kind and patient… I know that’s her job, she’s really good at it and I believe I will need to send her something to let her know.
If there is anyone else ready to turn over a new leaf with me, just email me, message me on FB or even txt me. We can plan something together and even meet 1-2 times every or every other week. I hope that you enjoy what will come from my new mind.